*
[Cheering and applause]
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver. Thanks so much for joining us.
Just time for a quick recap of the week.
And we begin--we begin--no! No! No!
That's literally too much. That's literally too much.
That's unearned.
We begin tonight in Hungary.
Yes, Hungary, the fantasy home
for every little girl who's young enough to love castles
but not quite old enough to be aware of
neo-fascist political parties.
Hungary has had quite a week.
WOMAN: Tens of thousands of protesters marching in Hungary.
They're upset about a plan by the government
to tax Internet use.
Tuesday's rally was the second in 3 days.
TRANSLATOR: This tax is the most stupid thing.
Other countries like Estonia,
they give Internet for free to everyone.
It is hard to disagree with the protesters
when their argument is essentially,
let's catch up with Estonia.
Now, look, nowadays,
a tax on the Internet is never going to be popular.
The Internet is supposed to be free, like parking on a Sunday
or drinks at a wedding thrown by non-assholes.
It doesn't help that this tax is being proposed
by a Hungarian prime minister who everyone hates.
MAN: Prime Minister Victor Oban is accused of
becoming authoritarian.
He admits to moving Hungary
towards what he calls an illiberal democracy.
He is close to President Vladimir Putin,
and speaks warmly of how they do things in Turkey and China.
Wow. That is 3 red flags in a row.
Illiberal democracy, close to Putin,
and likes how things are done in Turkey and China.
If you just add "He likes the way Hollister smells,"
we can officially declare that man a war criminal.
Now, look, Hungarians marched all this week, and the fact that
people are protesting the actions of an authoritarian government
is not in itself a surprise.
The shocking thing here was the result.
MAN: Hungary is nixing plans for that tax on the Internet, at least for now.
The prime minister says he is going to
revisit that tax, though, next year.
Holy shit. The protest worked.
And that is not a sentence you get to say out loud often.
It's like, "Great one-man show"
or "Guy Fieri, that was delicious"
or "I met my wife at Dave and Buster's."
You don't often--the words feel weird coming out.
But, look, there is no time to celebrate, Hungarians.
You're on the clock. If this tax
is being revisited next year, you only have until 2015
to download as much pornography as you can.
Do it now and get it all!
You don't know what you're going to be into
this time next year!
The rest of us, let's move on to the other side of the globe,
New Zealand, the country that, like a bad Edible Arrangement,
is full of fucking kiwis.
Now, recently--recently, John Key,
John Key, their prime minister, was re-elected
despite--you may remember-- having a fight with Eminem,
or, as they call him in New Zealand, Emmynem.
Now, Key is now back in office,
and he's ready to tackle the most
pressing issues facing the country.
MAN: You mentioned changing the flag.
Is that something you hope to achieve
in the next 3 years?
Definitely. You know, we want to have the referendum,
and I want to embark on the referendum relatively quickly.
I'd like that issue dealt with in 2015.
Yeah, he wants to change the New Zealand flag,
or as they call it there, the flig.
And he's going to do that with a flig referendum
in two thousand and fufteen.
Now, why is he gonna do this? Well, one reason might be
it looks too much like Australia's flag.
Because that is Australia's flag
and this is new Zealand's flag.
Unsurprisingly, this has caused some problems in the past.
There's just a huge confusion factor.
So, I can tell you as Prime Minister,
the number of times I walk over to something
and I'm in an international meeting and they sit me down
in front of the Australian flag or the Australian area.
It's--you know, it's not funny. It happens all the time.
Oh, it is funny, and that's why it happens all the time.
Put him under the Australian flag.
He gets so--
I want to hear him say "flig." Make him say "flig."
Now, to be fair, John Key has a replacement design in mind.
It's this one, which, granted, looks like the flag
on a vegetarian pirate ship.
But it might actually be inappropriate
for a different reason.
WOMAN: John Key originally preferred the more traditional
black background with a silver fern,
but now says his preference is for a flag
that keeps more traditional colors.
He denies that it has anything to do with its similarity
to the flag flown by ISIS.
Oh, shit that is not good.
Because if you thought being mistakenly seated under
Australia's flag was bad, wait till they put you
under the one for ISIS.
This is not funny. It happens all the time.
Why is it even here?
Look. Unfortunately, John Key's even newer new design
has also met with some resistance, as he discovered
when he went on TV earlier this week.
MAN: OK. I'm going to show you something now.
Have a look at this. OK.
This is what you think is great... I like it.
and I think it is bloody horrible.
Bloody horrible.
How are you allowed to speak to your prime minister like that?
It seems New Zealanders treat their leaders like Americans
treat managers at Applebee's.
This shrimp is bloody horrible. Take it back.
Still, I will say that is a terrible idea for a flag,
which is why we have a few suggestions.
First, how about a flag that features two things
New Zealand is famous for, such as a bungee-jumping sheep?
Or, if you don't like that one,
a kiwi bird having sex with a hobbit?
Or you know what? It honestly might be simpler
just to have a flag with the words "We are not Australia"
written on a white background.
Although I can't guarantee they won't seat you
underneath that just for fun.
Finally tonight, with the biggest retail season
of the year nearly upon us, one major retailer
unveiled a huge innovation this week.
Lowe's is testing out robotic shopping assistants
at one of its smaller hardware stores.
Hello. I am Oshbot,
the Orchard Store robot helper.
What are you looking for today?
Where can I find more of these?
Is this the item you are looking for?
Yes. I'll take you.
Yes, Lowe's is introducing robot sales assistants
to one of their stores, which might seem like a good idea,
but brace yourself, Lowe's, because you may be about to get
a lot of sexual harassment lawsuits
from your refrigerators.
Although, going by their promotional video,
at least someone seems to be a fan.
I actually really liked it, and we could be considered friends.
OK, stop. Stop, stop, stop it.
Because the sentence "The customer service robot
at Lowe's is my friend" may be the single saddest sentiment
ever spoken out loud.
Robot assistants are a terrible idea, and here's why.
Sales associates at home improvement stores
are not there to help people find things.
They're there to stop couples from tearing each other apart.
If you really want to test your marriage,
go buy home supplies together.
Because Lowe's is like a swingers party
or a couples brunch.
No one is leaving on speaking terms.
And the worst thing is, Lowe's knows this.
Look at their own ads.
We went to Lowe's just for some light bulbs.
And we got distracted. I got distracted.
MAN: We got a little bit distracted.
They were looking at light bulbs,
but I had a feeling they were interested in
some things for the patio.
Can I help you with something for the patio?
No. Yes.
Yes.
I think that means yes.
Nicely done, Lowe's employee.
You sensed an explosive argument was coming
and you diffused it with the emotional anesthetic
of patio furniture.
Robots can't do that. They don't realize
that home improvement stores are a lethal combination
of everything that can ruin a relationship--
spending money, reconciling tastes,
long-term planning, and fluorescent lighting.
In fact, if I was Home Depot
and I heard that Lowe's were replacing humans with robots,
this is the ad that I would be running.
MAN: At Home Depot, we value the personal touch.
Sure, Lowe's may have robots,
but we know there are some things machines can't do.
MAN: We came to Home Depot to renovate our kitchen
and things got a little heated.
He had his heart set on this copper sink.
Guilty.
They started bickering, but I had a feeling
it wasn't about the copper sink.
It never is about the copper sink.
Why are you fighting me on this?
It has a 10-year warranty.
Oh, I'm sorry. Are we going to be
in this house for 10 more years?
Well, where else are we going to go?
In a house big enough for the second child
you promised me we were gonna have.
Hey, if I could just butt in here,
there is a lot to be said
for a hammered-finish copper sink.
It adds a lot of warmth to any room
and copper is naturally easy to maintain.
Plus, it is just a sink.
It is just a sink. Yeah. It's just a sink.
You guys like Glade Plug-ins? Check this out.
MAN: Doug was great. He gave us advice
right when we needed it.
Specifically right before one of us said
something we could never take back.
Hey, this eucalyptus is nice.
Mama would love it.
Why does it matter what plants your mother would like?
For when she moves in with us.
No, I am not having this discussion again.
Oh, boy. I told you again and again.
I'm not putting her in a home ever.
She raised me.
Yeah, you and your deadbeat brother.
That's your argument every time?
You bring up Devlin? He's trying.
It's hard to get a job when they
have to do background checks.
You should stick with the Boston fern on this one.
The eucalyptus is for koalas and pacifists.
Ha ha ha! Now, if you want,
I can show you some of our selection of floor plants.
Oh, my gosh, yes. For sure.
He talked to us about floor plants
for 5 solid minutes until
both of us forgot what we were fighting about.
That's what we do here.
Hey. I really like this bamboo floor.
Of course you do. He loves everything Asian.
Especially the girls he looks at on his porn.
Excuse me?
Clear your history, Ben. You're not the only one
who uses that iPad Mini.
That's someone's daughter.
What if our daughter were Asian?
How would our daughter be Asian?
Well, we could adopt if you weren't so selfish.
OK, so, if you're asking me if I want to
fuck my hypothetical Asian daughter, the answer is no.
Home Depot, I don't want a fuckin' Asian daughter.
My hero.
Guys, guys, forget about the bamboo.
Sure, it's good with the humidity, but
wood flooring is barely better than a carpet
when it comes to a bathroom.
Let me show you some ceramic tiles
I think you'll both agree on.
Great. Yeah, let's do it.
BEN: Doug was great and the bathroom is beautiful.
So you don't wish we'd gotten that copper sink?
Not as much as I wish you hadn't
given a hand job to my best man
on our wedding day.
For the last time, we were not married.
Is that the only one?
How many hand jobs did you give out that day?
I don't know. Let's count them up.
Right? OK, great. Let's do it. Fine.
2, 3? Who else? Maybe.
Hey, let's take a look at some
paint swatches and think about
freshening up that kitchen.
Oh, great.
What if you take a Spring Grass
and lay it right in here on Tournament Field.
Oh, wow. That looks great.
I'd go with that.
Let's talk backsplash.
[Both laugh]
[Cheering and applause]
Moving on. Ahem.
Our main story tonight concerns the fact
that if you've been near a television recently,
you've learned exactly one thing:
The midterm elections are upon us.
Two days to go before the midterm elections.
All eyes are on them.
The big question, really, the only question,
do the Democrats hold on to the majority?
Can Republicans take control of the U.S. Senate?
Bottom line here is, this is, as we say it every time,
one of the most important elections in American history!
Oh, but I'm serious this time.
Take your American history books.
Burn them in the streets. They're worthless after Tuesday.
Why, the Senate is up for grabs. I repeat,
the fucking Senate is up for grabs!
All this crazy attention on congressional races
is a little strange for one important reason.
MAN: This Congress, with Republicans in charge of the House
and Democrats in charge of the Senate,
is on track to be the least productive in history.
This Congress is shaping up to be
the least productive in history.
Although, to be fair: Congress is like jazz.
It's really about the bills it's not passing.
It's also like jazz in that most people hate it,
and anyone who says they don't are lying.
And the Senate is likely to remain inactive
no matter which party controls it after Tuesday.
So, why all this attention on the national level,
where almost nothing is happening,
when down at the local level, everything is happening?
That's right. Tonight we're going to talk
about the elections that actually matter on Tuesday,
the ones for state legislatures.
And look, I know it can be hard
to take candidates for state houses seriously
partly because of their ridiculous ads.
MAN: Senator Chuck Colgan is fighting for you in Richmond.
I could stand here and tell you
how I was born on a poultry farm.
Together, we can make West Virginia's economy take off.
That's a great ad, and I'll tell you why.
Because you just inherently trust a guy who wanders around
in public with a bird on his hand.
Drape a snake around his shoulders,
you've got yourself a president right there.
In Montana, one candidate has an ad running
declaring his belief in the Constitution
over a shot of the Declaration of Independence
and what appears to be a photo of an old man
stabbing a small child to death with a flag.
That's a compelling image, yes,
but I don't know if you want to use it for a political campaign.
The other problem is, whenever you do hear about state legislatures,
it's usually because something crazy has happened.
Like a fistfight between two old men in the Alabama Senate
or a Florida state senator looking at topless photos
during an abortion debate
or this California assemblyman discussing
his sex life into a live microphone.
Ugh. Ohh.
It's not really a surprise that you made
that mistake with a microphone.
You don't seem like someone who can tell whether something's
turned on or not.
And even--even when lawmakers are doing their jobs,
things can actually get worse.
A Florida lawmaker is pushing forward tonight
with his plan to repeal a ban on dwarf-tossing.
I've spoken to doctors and lawyers
and CFOs that are little people.
They can make their own decision, and this state said,
"No, you can't, we'll make it for you."
OK. Individual rights aside, let's all just agree
that if it happened in "The Wolf of Wall Street,"
it should not be legal.
And of course, sometimes, you'll hear about state legislators
because of something insane they've said.
Like Sally Kern from Oklahoma.
Is this just because they're black that they're in prison
or could it be because
they didn't want to work hard in school?
And white people oftentimes don't want to work hard in school,
or Asians, oftentimes.
But a lot of times, that's what happens.
I taught school for 20 years and I saw a lot of--
a lot of people of color who didn't want to work as hard.
They wanted it given to them.
Look, Sally, if you're going to be that racist in public,
there's really no need for you to use the term
"people of color."
African-Americans are not listening
to everything you just said.
They're going, "Lazy? Hey! In prison? Hey!
"People of color? Well, that is nice.
That balances it out. That's basically clear now."
And she's not the only one in the Oklahoma House
speaking her crazy mind.
I do not doubt that.
The phrase "Islam is a cancer" is not usually associated with
people who are open to new ideas or arguments.
The point is, is it any wonder
state legislatures are perceived as circuses
when they give us footage like this?
These damn bills that come out here all the damn time,
come out here at the last second,
and I got to try to figure out how to vote for my people.
I'm sick of it! Every year!
Enough!
I feel like somebody is trying to be released from Egypt!
Let my people go!
[Laughter and applause]
Look. If...
If Moses had said, "Let my people go" like that,
I'm pretty sure Pharaoh would've said, "Fine, Moses.
I'll let them go. Just calm the fuck down!"
Look, state legislatures are hilarious.
There's only one problem.
Increasingly, they're the places
where most legislation is actually taking place.
So far this session, Congress has passed just 185 laws.
State legislatures have passed more than 24,000.
I'm starting to realize why that guy was getting so angry.
I'd hit a bill, too, if I knew there were 24,000 of them.
It's too many! It's too many!
It's too many bills!
And look, look, sure, some of those bills were meaningless,
like Missouri declaring jumping jacks
their official state exercise.
Incidentally, New York's official state exercise?
Kegels.
[Grunting]
[Laughter]
But look, not all state laws are so silly.
Some have profound impact.
Legislatures are sometimes called
the laboratories of democracy.
Sometimes their experiments are great,
like raising the minimum wage, like these states have done,
or overturning bans on gay marriage, like these.
But other times, state laws can go a different way.
Between 2011 and 2013,
individual states passed
more than 200
abortion restrictions,
more than the entire
previous decade.
That's right. In fact, a law which passed in Mississippi
is so restrictive, it could close
the one remaining abortion clinic
they have in the entire state,
meaning a Mississippi woman right now
could be saying to herself, "I need to go someplace
more progressive, like Alabama."
State houses do a huge amount of work while no one is watching,
from abortion to gun control to environmental legislation.
And yet, admit it, you probably don't know
who your state legislator is,
which means all those conspiracy theories
about a shadow government are actually true.
Only it's not a group of billionaires
meeting in a mountain lair in Zurich,
it's a bunch of pasty bureaucrats meeting
in a windowless committee room in Lansing, Michigan.
So, we took a look at state legislatures this week,
and the first surprising thing was that no two are alike,
because just as each state has a treasured regional cuisine,
from Maryland's Chesapeake blue crabs
to Florida's half-a-cubano sandwich
wrestled away from a dirty pelican,
each state, each state has its own way of governing.
For a start, they range wildly in size,
from 49 lawmakers in Nebraska to 424 in New Hampshire.
424. Sparta fended off Persia with only 300 people,
and for some reason, New Hampshire needs 424
to issue a fucking leafy stamp.
And while some operate year-round,
others are very much part-time.
Utah, for instance, has just one 45-day session per year.
That's not a congress. That's a summer camp.
Except instead of eating s'mores and throwing sticks at possums,
they're passing laws restricting a woman's right to choose
and throwing sticks at possums.
But whether they're full-time or part-time, there is one thing
most state houses have in common,
a shocking lack of oversight.
For instance, when it comes to conflicts of interest,
"Generally, lawmakers are supposed to
"recuse themselves from voting on bills that would give them
a direct financial benefit."
You're essentially asking state legislators
to practice self-control.
Remember, legislators like this guy.
Let my people go!
OK!
So, let's look at that in action.
Hawaii's state house is part-time.
And one of its members, Joe Souki, had a side job
collecting $24,000 a year as a consultant
to a plastics trade association.
So, when Hawaii was considering imposing a fee
for plastic bags, the onus was on him
to reveal his conflict of interest.
Let's see how that played out.
What is your conflict?
What? What do you mean there's no conflict?
He was being paid by the plastics industry.
Unless in Hawaii "conflict of interest" means both
"conflict of interest" and "not a conflict of interest."
You know, like how "aloha" means hello and good-bye.
That's the only fucking acceptable explanation.
Now, to be fair, most states have ethics commissions.
But an investigation into how effective they are
gave grades of "D" or "F" to 28 out of 41 of them.
And remember, if you fail an ethics test,
that's doubly bad because there's no fucking way
you didn't attempt to cheat on it.
And yet, and yet somehow
with lax rules and terrible oversight,
some state legislators still manage to get in trouble.
MAN: In Massachusetts, 3 successive speakers of the house
have been indicted or convicted,
not to mention the lawmaker who took a bribe
from an FBI undercover and stuffed the cash in her bra.
Stuffing bribe money in a bra is sad for two reasons.
One, you're corrupt. But two, the amount of money
it took to corrupt you fits inside your bra.
Meanwhile, meanwhile, out in California,
State Senator Leland Yee was arrested in March
on charges of arms trafficking and wire fraud,
to which he's pled not guilty.
But that's not even the most interesting part.
WOMAN: Yee was arrested Wednesday along with suspected
Chinatown gang figure Raymond "Shrimp Boy" Chow.
OK. OK. So, first, that's amazing.
And secondly, how is that the photo
they used of Raymond "Shrimp Boy" Chow
when this one also exists where he looks like an early nineties
Steven Seagal movie villain?
Come on, news!
Why would Raymond "Shrimp Boy" Chow
have a photo like that taken of him,
unless he wanted it used when he was inevitably arrested
for arms trafficking one day?
Do the right thing.
And some state legislators get in trouble
in the most pathetic possible way.
Take Rhode Island's Dominic Ruggerio,
whose political career managed to weather him being arrested
for allegedly shoplifting condoms from a CVS
at the age of 41, while in office,
and who in 2012 was pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving.
When police were questioning State Senator Dominic Ruggerio,
his senate colleague Frank Ciccone pulled up to the scene.
Ciccone allegedly told one of the patrolmen, quote...
It happened, everyone.
I think we just hit peak Rhode Island.
Think about it--a legislator called Ruggerio
being pulled over by police,
while a fellow lawmaker called Ciccone
swears at them about pensions.
The only way that could be more Rhode Island
is if they were all somehow clams.
And yet, you have to remember all the people you've seen
were elected to bodies where legislation
actually gets passed.
A lot.
And whilst most people may ignore these bodies,
corporations certainly don't.
In fact, they've taken advantage through a group called ALEC.
And yes, "ALEC" sounds like
the name of a high school lacrosse player
who just got baked and wrecked his dad's Saab.
But incredibly, it's actually even worse.
MAN: For more than 30 years,
a private tax-exempt organization
called the American Legislative Exchange Council, ALEC,
has brought state lawmakers, conservative think tanks,
and corporate interests together
to write model legislation to be introduced and passed
in state houses across the country.
It's basically a conservative bill mill,
which has helped develop model legislation from
Arizona's notorious SB1070 immigration bill,
to bills expanding private prisons,
payday loan companies, and for-profit colleges,
all of which we've talked about on this very show.
In fact, I'm going to list ALEC in the credits for our show
as associate producer of creating horrifying things
for us to talk about.
Great work, ALEC.
See you at the end of season wrap party, you pieces of shit.
[Applause]
The thing is, ALEC is everywhere.
Roughly one in 4 state legislators are members.
And it's not hard to see why. ALEC makes their jobs
troublingly easy.
Here's their model electricity freedom bill,
which at one point says, "Be it therefore enacted
"that the state of-- insert state--
repeals the renewable energy mandate."
So, as long as you can remember
and spell the name of your state,
you can introduce legislation.
And I think it's fair to say that
most of the people we've seen so far tonight
could probably do that.
And some legislators don't even bother
hiding ALEC's fingerprints.
Just watch a Minnesota lawmaker
get confronted by one of his colleagues.
I'm just curious, does it have--
does the legislation have some connection to ALEC?
Representative Atkins, I'm not sure why we're pursuing
this course of questioning.
This bill is my bill, it's not ALEC's bill.
Well, the reason I ask is because earlier you passed out
a handout that says, "Gottwalt," at the top,
and it says, "Health care compact," and there's a logo
right in the middle of that page,
and I went to the ALEC web site
and there's exactly the same font,
the same size, and the same logo.
I mean, literally, it's verbatim.
Look, I hate to sound like Billy Baldwin's agent,
but you can't just copy everything that ALEC does.
It's pathetic.
At this point, at this point, it's clear.
Between the bad behavior and the lack of accountability,
states are not so much the laboratories of democracy
as the frat houses of democracy.
And yet, they get no attention.
Perhaps that's because it's very hard for us to be angry
with people whose names we don't know.
And if you're thinking, "Well, OK, now I'll pay more attention
before going to vote on Tuesday," that's great.
Unfortunately, for many of you, it's too late.
Because an estimated 25% of the candidates on Tuesday
are running unopposed.
Their sole political asset is that they exist
and they're going to win.
So, with that in mind,
with that in mind, let's call some races.
Because you know what? Even though
polls don't close for another two days
and most people haven't even started voting yet,
with 0% of precincts reporting, we can call some winners.
So, let's do it. Let's do it.
Remember the Florida dwarf-tossing guy?
His name is Ritch Workman.
He's running unopposed, so he wins!
Remember the lady in Oklahoma with the interesting theories
on black prison population? Winner.
The "Islam is a cancer" guy? Winner.
The alleged drunk-driving Rhode Island condom thief
and his angry friend?
Winner winner, chicken dinner.
And this is just the beginning.
Because we can call over 1,000 races across America.
He's a winner. She's a winner.
All these people are winners,
so, congratulations to all of you
for defeating the very concept of nothing!
Congratulations, one and all.
We look forward to you wielding
a terrifying amount of influence
for the next several years,
safe in the knowledge that no one will be
paying any attention.
That's our show. Thank you so much for watching.
Good night!
*
This nice laser green.
Lay it right in here on Antigua Sunrise.
Oh, my. That's beautiful.
That's a good combo.
I'm thinking maybe a Spring Grass
or Go-Go Lime with a Jade Mountain.
We drop it in on an Aqua Fresco.
Oh, wow. Two.
What about a Go-Go Lime,
lay it right in here on Jet Ski?
Oh, my God. That's beautiful.
That's your accent. That's your back splash.
I like that combination a lot.
You've got an eye for color.
Yeah.
[Giggling